June 13th - Don't take it personal?

Landon is still doing well, I went up to see him this morning and nothing really has changed.  His feeds are going well, his oxygen levels are still pretty low, and he seems happy.  We decided to do Kangaroo time this morning like usual, I generally sit with him from 9:30ish until 12:30ish every day.  We started like normal and he was doing alright but about 20 minutes in, he started low-stating.  His heart rate dropped and he wasn't getting the correct amount of oxygen.  We tried a few things to help him, but he was not having any of it.  (Boys...)  We had to put him back in hopes of him calming down, which he did almost immediately.

I was really happy that he was quickly recovering once we put him back, but of course took it a little personally.  You know in your head that its not your fault, maybe he was hot, maybe it was too noisy, maybe he just wasn't in a good position, who knows, but as a mom you take it as he wasn't happy with you.  All you hear is how good Kangaroo time is for them, "its almost like medicine its so important" so when your little one is no longer happy doing it, it hurts your feelings.  I am just starting to realize how hard it truly is to be a mom of a preemie. 

The problems and hurts and struggles I face are that of a new mom... ish.  I had the baby, but I miss being pregnant.  I was supposed to get three more months with him, how do you not get a little sad about that?  I wasn't sick of being pregnant yet, I was just starting to really love it!  I am so jealous of pregnant girls... and guess what there is an abundance of at one of the busiest Labor and Delivery units in the state?  Pregnant girls having big, fat, healthy babies that they get to take home.

Jason and I are both so thankful that he is doing well and are absolutely blessed to have wonderful nurses and doctors looking out for him.  Even with all of that, leaving your baby every night at the hospital instead of getting to take him home sucks.  Our nights are still sleepless even though Landon isn't home yet.  If we are not tossing and turning because we are worrying about him, I am up every three hours pumping breast milk to keep my supply up for when he gets home.  Our lives have been drastically altered, we have been shoved into parenthood, but we don't "get a baby" yet. 

Sure, we get to hold our baby or bathe him, but we are limited to how much we can do in any 12 hour period.  When we hold him it takes two people to move him and we are taped to his ventilator and have tubes running everywhere.  We can change his diaper but its through the holes in his isolette.  We can talk to him, but at a whisper because he is still so sensitive to sound.  We get to experience things, just very differently.

Spending time with him is some of the most cherished time I have ever had.  That time having to be spent in a hospital brings back memories of my mom and the last hours I got to spend with her.  I think we are just finding that this is terribly bitter sweet.  We are getting to experience and celebrate things other parents take for granted (breathing on his own, opening his eyes, first baths, first time holding him, etc) but we are also experiencing parenthood in a vastly different way that most. 

Having Landon doing so well recently has been incredible but I think Jason and I are both anxious, feeling like the rug could get pulled out from us an any moment.  We are not trying to be pessimistic, but our little man is still 8 weeks early as of today and we have already spend 3 weeks in the NICU.  The journey ahead of us is completely unknown and that is terrifying.  Who knows what obstacles lie ahead for Landon.  We are constantly in prayer for all of these things, ever hopeful that God will continue to heal and grow our little man so someday we can take him home.  We don't know why God has chosen this path for us but we are searching constantly for answers and what God is teaching us through this. 

Once again we want to thank all of your for your prayers, thoughts, and kind words.   I will post a little later today about his progress and any other changes that come up.  I also want to say how much I look up to other moms of preemies.  There are not a lot of people who understand this path, it is challenging and wonderful and scary and long.  Our thoughts and prayers are with those families as well as we have gotten to meet a handful of them here.

Much Love,

Jason and Kristin

Ps... on a totally random note the title of this blog "Don't take it personal" reminds me of the Monica song from the 90's, pretty sure it has the same title.  Yes, that song will be stuck in my head for the majority of the day now.  "I just wanna be all alone, and you think I treat you wrong, don't take it personal."